I was standing in line at the bank a few weeks ago and recognized the woman behind me. She was complaining about the length of the line, so I briefly commented, saying it was unusual and nodded in sympathy. I waited a moment to be sure it really was the person I remembered, then stuck out my hand and re-introduced myself.
She looked down at me (I’m short) with no effort to hide her disapproval and said, “Yes, I know who you are.” Then, looking down at my outstretched hand, pointedly refused to shake it.
I was pretty surprised at her behavior. But her next words were the most telling. “I used to work at XYZ (the company I’d remembered her from), but they eliminated my job after X years. That’s what you get for stepping on the wrong toes.”
Yes folks, there were indeed a few memorable moments of “high crimes and misdemeanors” during this interaction:
First, refusing to shake someone’s hand is big on the list of really bad insults. Doing it on purpose is one thing. (Her hand was not broken) Doing it in public, is another. You have just guaranteed yourself a place on that person’s permanent “do not call” and “never forget” list!
Second, every person in line saw her behavior and heard her words. Who knows who was standing in line with us? Perhaps a recruiter, HR Manager or potential supervisor she may face in a job interview sometime soon?
Third, her teenage daughter was standing by her side. How awful for a young person to witness this kind of behavior from a parent. What kind of lesson did she learn that day and how will that shape who she becomes and how she treats others? Parents carry such weight when it comes to personal influence.
Finally, I wouldn’t provide a very good reference should anyone ask me. These days, lots of reference checks happen behind the scenes and “under the radar”.
GIVE US YOUR THOUGHTS:
So what about you? Ever experienced anything like this? What did you do or say? Has it ever come back to bite that person in the you-know-what? OR have YOU ever refused to shake a person’s hand and if so, why?
I’m studying the impact of Aspergers Syndrome on personality styles and interpersonal communication skills at work, at home and in school.
Perhaps these resources may come in handy as you strive to understand interpersonal communication differences in co-workers, managers, students, friends or family members – it may help you help others!
What is Aspergers Syndrome? According to Tony Attwood, Author of the Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, traits include:
those who value being creative vs cooperative
a different, not defective, way of thinking
a desire to solve a problem vs satisfy social/emotional needs of others
those who struggle with the management/expression of emotions
Very bright, very sweet, vulnerable, often misunderstood and may easily be taken advantage of. They may come across like a little professor and talk in a way which leads you to believe they are years older, intellectually. They may end up being loners, struggle with relationships, work hard to impress others with their knowledge and could come across as arrogant. They may have a flat “affect” or expressionless face. Reading social cues is difficult, so they may ask more questions than what’s typical. They may also interpret you literally and say, “…but, that isn’t what I expected…”. It’s possible they’ve shown symptoms of ADD, ADHD, learning disabilities, anger management challenges, auditory processing problems, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, oppositional defiance, control issues, etc.
(* Disclaimer: the lawyers tell me to let you know right about here that I am NOT a psychologist, psychiatrist, licensed social worker, therapist or doctor! Always consult a professional.)
Megan Pratinfield has written articles about her experiences with Asperger’s symptoms. Here’s another good resource on Asperger’s with a page about famous people with “Aspy” traits.
Then, from the words of a young man with Asperger’s, here’s what he says it’s like:
And a final word…
If you know someone who is struggling, whether they are a child or a full-grown adult, it’s possible there may be more going on than just a difficult personality style. I’ve had people tell me their behavioral challenges stemmed from their environment, their boss, spouse, parents, the food they ate, the drugs they took and the people they hung out with.
And that may all be true.
But please do not let another day go by without learning more about Asperger’s. It could change your life or the life of a loved one!
I recently spoke at a student safety conference on “Crisis Communication: How to Get the Message Out to Students.” Here is one of the key points I made in my presentation.
In this example, you can prove your point using few words by comparing two images with contrasting perspectives. You then ask your audience (or person you wish to influence) one simple question. It goes like this:
Here is the crime rate for a one week period in a large city. Each bubble represents a type of crime:
Here is the crime rate for the same period in a smaller community:
Question: Now, where would you like your 18 year old daughter to attend college?
See how that goes? You don’t have to argue or get wordy. The old adage, “A picture is worth a thousand words” is certainly true!
Application:
Hopefully, to help your daughter attend college in a low crime town!
To encourage a friend to make a healthier choice
To stimulate critical thinking skills in students
To help your team come to consensus without being heavy handed
To break through a stalemate with your spouse
YOUR THOUGHTS:
I know it’s sometimes tough to get people to see our point of view, so how do you make a persuasive point? Do you just hit ‘em with the facts or try to persuade with emotion? Or does bribery work, now and then? (grin)
Some of us fantasize about this, don’t we? Monday morning comes and we lay there looking up at the ceiling thinking, “What if I went in there today and told them to take this job and do you-know-what? I wonder what words I’d use?”
(This is where ALL the lawyers tell me to insert The BIG Disclaimer: “By virtue of writing this post, please be aware I’m not advocating, advising, suggesting or implying in even the most subtle or innocuous of ways you should quit your job!”)
But just in case you want to take a mental road trip to celebrate the new work week, here are 30 key phrases people could use to say “I quit”!
“It’s really important I spend more time with my family.” (Fired C-suite execs and out-of-favor politicians use this one)
“I’d like to pursue other opportunities.” (like fishing and golf)
“At this stage of my life, it’s time to smell the roses.” (or pansies, daffodils – maybe even the goldenrod too)
“You know that TV show, the Biggest Loser? Well, that’s how I feel around here, so it’s time to go!”
“I know you’re cutting costs, so allow me to take one for the team.”
“You know that next layoff you’re planning? Pulllease, take me, take meeeee!”
“9 out of 10 managers agree, I’m destined for bigger and better things.”
“No, really, it’s not YOU – it’s just me.”
“I did win the lottery – I did!”
“The Dali Lama says I’m needed on the mountaintop.”
“It’s haying season back on the farm.”
“You pay me far, far too much money for the work I do here. After I leave, you can spread the wealth around.”
“We’re trying to have a child, so I’m needed at home more often.”
“You know the other day when you asked me about my career goals…?”
“How would you like to save some budget money this year?”
“Where would you like me to put my computer?”
“How long does it take to do an exit interview?”
“I’m gifting you my chair.”
“I’m trading in my cubicle for an ocean view.”
“I have this cat and she needs a companion.”
“Paul Harvey made a fortune by closing his show with, ‘…and that’s the rest of the story’. I’m thinking it’s high time for my story to start!”
“I have this overwhelming urge for a Facebook page.”
“My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all,’ so let me be brief.”
“According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 15 million people are unemployed right now. Do you think one of them might qualify for my job?”
“You’re out of coffee.”
“You know that new guy down the hall? The guy with the pocket protector? He said he’s smarter than me, so now he gets a chance to prove it.”
“You cut the candy from the training budget.”
“The latest Rasmussen Report says 72% of Americans prefer ‘Merry Christmas’ to ‘Happy Holidays’, so an early ‘Merry Christmas’ to all, and to all a good night!”
“Those stock options are taking waaay too long to mature.”
“The voices in my head say it’s not safe for me to stay here anymore.”
I’m sure you can come up with a few good phrases of your own! Please feel free to share them with us in the comments below!
Drama Queens: As one workshop participant recently said, “They’ll suck the life right out of ya!” Everyone in the room agreed and they all knew someone who fit the bill. They also needed tips on how to cope, so here’s a process to help:
First, decide how much energy you will allow this person to steal from you. You could allocate 80% of your day fixating on just one person, right? That won’t leave you much time for other folks who deserve your focus.
Next, identify how their pattern plays out. Is there a predictable cycle or routine you see happening over and over again? Get it down on paper so it’s clear in your mind. That way the next time it happens, you’ll be able to spot it right off.
Then identify how you want this person to do it differently in the future. Asking them to “stop doing X” will probably not work. They may need coaching to help substitute more constructive behaviors in place of destructive ones.
For example, if your favorite “drama queen” barges into your office and interrupts meetings on a regular basis:
Discuss the pattern with him or her immediately after the next incident. Be clear about the fact that their behavior/actions are unprofessional, disrespectful and unproductive.
Coach with the CARLA Concept™. Put pen to paper and together discuss the circumstance or challenge faced, the actions taken, results achieved, lessons learned, and alternatives for the future.
Include your observations as well as encourage them to self-identify. They may not realize all the damage they cause, such as “Results: people hide when they see you coming because they don’t have the time to deal with the many crisis you bring. This reduces your influence and erodes your credibility.”
Each time they relapse into the habit, sit them down and repeat the process. A once-over is not enough to make an impression. Some people need to go through it multiple times in order to “get it”.
If you are in a leadership position, make sure you add something to their performance goals & objectives about improving the level of professionalism. This will make it real and relevant to them. People do what they are held accountable for. They won’t think you’re really serious unless you make it measurable.
Overall, the trick is to clearly identify the behaviors that are destructive, get them down on paper, list the replacement behaviors you’d like to see, then engage the person in a “gap analysis” process using The CARLA Concept™.
Too often, we want to be polite and prefer not to rock the boat. That’s understandable given the uproar that occurs when you confront someone about their destructive behaviors. Some people feel it’s just not worth the hassle and give up. However, it’s better to address it as soon as possible. Otherwise, it will chip away at your patience, your energy level, and most importantly, steal your ability to be of service to others who ARE worth your time and attention.
Yes, there may be a little discomfort at first, but if you follow these tips, you might be able to convince the Drama Queen to relinquish the stage!
CONTACT INFO: Laura Benjamin, President, Pinehurst Press Ltd.
Communication and Career Strategies P.O. Box 88300, Colorado Springs CO 80908 Phone: 719-266-8088
My name is Laura Benjamin, a Colorado Communication Coach, author, speaker, facilitator. I'm also the writer behind CabinMama.com. You can read more at my about page...
"Be who you are and say what you think because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!" --Dr. Seuss
"You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by encouraging class hatred. You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves." --Abraham Lincoln
