Is there anything in the world to cause you to “give your child back”?
While I’ll admit there were times when my kids were little I was sorely tempted to send ‘em back to “whence they came”! But it would have been physically impossible and those moments of frustration were fleeting, thank goodness.
However, some families struggle with much more than normal childhood misbehavior. I just saw a film clip about a mother in OK with a highly disruptive son (aged 11). The family is trying to get Oklahoma adoption laws changed so they can give this boy back to the state. You can learn more about the story here and form your own judgment. It’s clear the family needs help before a tragedy occurs.
After I saw the mother’s tearful cry for help, I contacted a colleague with experience in child welfare and adoption services. Because of her present position, I’m unable to list her name, but she gave me permission to share her thoughts on this matter:
“I think families need to make a decision once they adopt that this child is their child as if this child were born to them. I completely agree with Karen Poteet. Would they expect the state/county to take custody of their birth child if similar concerns arose? Adoption is permanent and forever. We need to get that message out. I therefore question the “uneqivoval love” that is mentioned as once you are a parent….your child is your life and your responsibility and you are forever a parent to your child regardless of what the future brings. I take offense at the comment “it’s not like we are trying to return an itchy sweater”. Not a positive analogy or comment to be made concerning a child – your child.
I would have a couple of questions for this family. What does “normal” mean to you? I believe the agency/county was giving them accurate information at the time. No one can predict the future. I would also be interested in how old this child was when they adopted him? How long had he been in the system? What age did he enter foster care? What were his foster homes like? What were his birth parents like and was there any history to raise concern for future issues? The diagnosis mentioned are difficult to determine in young children and may not have presented until recently. There is no sure way to determine what the future may hold for a child from the system…or any child for that matter.
The comment the Westcott’s made “we have been his biggest advocates and strongest fighters”. Now is the time they need to continue those efforts, find the resources available and get the assistance their child needs. They could reconnect with the placing agency and see if they are eligible for a subsidy to assist with the needs of their child. Returning the child, as they allude to, is no good for anyone – especially this child. If Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is part of his difficulties, this action could prevent him from ever attaching to another human being. I agree that mothers get the brunt of the behaviors but there are excellent therapists who could assist him. As you can see I am quite passionate about this.
Laura, is there anything in the world that would make you “return your child”?
That is where I am coming from. My heart aches for this family and this child and I pray that they find resources for each of them to hold their family together.” — Former Child Welfare Director
What would you do? And what advice would you offer this family?
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As an adoptive mom of a special needs child who came from fostercare with issues (some apparent but most latent), and later diagnosis much like this 11 year old child in OK, I have to say that I can’t imagine ever “returning him”. He’s my son through thick and thin, for better or worse. I made a forever commitment to him to be his mother. I also have to say that rather than lobby the state to “take children back”, there needs to be a lobby of the state(s) to offer more resources (such as federally-mandated and federal or state-funded residential therapeutic treatment) for families that adopt special needs children who need more intensive services than they can receive in-home.
There should also be the option of renegotiating adoption subsidies and post adoption services that rise to the level of need of individual families, rather than some arbitrary figure that fits in the state adoption budget. Finally, the state needs to take some financial and social responsibility for children who have been in their care and custody while in fostercare and that THEY have promoted to the damage that these children suffer – we need biological parent case plans with a shorter timeline to either reunification or termination, adherence to the federally-mandated ASFA, appropriate and immediate therapy for every.single.child in fostercare who has suffered the trauma of loss, disruption, multiple transitions, abuse or neglect, and family court judges and caseworkers who are trained to PREVENT situations such as the damage done to this child and the fear this family experiences as they are basically “thrown to the wolves” once the ink is dry on the adoption order.
Lastly, pre-adoptive parents going into older child adoption need to KNOW (through intensive education, training, and networking) that there is always the potential for serious issues and love alone is not a cure all. Adoptive parents need to go in understanding that the child may not attach to you, be grateful you adopted him, or even show love at all. He may transfer all the pain he’s suffered onto you. The only reward you should expect is knowing you gave the child a chance at a future.
Most of these children were already given up on by their first parents. They were hurt, and the trauma and fear runs very, very deep. They are terrified… of the past and future, of being loved, of not being loved, of moving again, of life, of monsters in the dark coming to hurt them again, of giving love, of letting their guards down, of loving someone, of loving themselves, of never being able to love, of being damaged or unlovable, of being hurt again. That’s often why they have knives under their pillows. These children need intensive therapy and immediate help.
These traumatized families who have been pushed to their limits financially, emotionally and often physically need support. Giving the child back should not be an option ever — but – the state has some responsibility to these families they helped create. The state needs to pony up the resources instead of allowing/forcing families to give up on their children.
No, I’d never DREAM of sending my child “back” into the state’s custody, where a good deal of his damage occurred! I would (and have) however, kick down doors to get him the therapy, education, medication and other services he needs. Then kick some more down. You fight! You don’t give up on your child and take your sob story to the media looking for sympathy and pats on the back. You use that energy and media exposure to fight for more resources and more HELP, not permission for a way out.
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