I was standing in line at the bank a few weeks ago and recognized the woman behind me. She was complaining about the length of the line, so I briefly commented, saying it was unusual and nodded in sympathy. I waited a moment to be sure it really was the person I remembered, then stuck out my hand and re-introduced myself.
She looked down at me (I’m short) with no effort to hide her disapproval and said, “Yes, I know who you are.” Then, looking down at my outstretched hand, pointedly refused to shake it.
I was pretty surprised at her behavior. But her next words were the most telling. “I used to work at XYZ (the company I’d remembered her from), but they eliminated my job after X years. That’s what you get for stepping on the wrong toes.”
Yes folks, there were indeed a few memorable moments of “high crimes and misdemeanors” during this interaction:
First, refusing to shake someone’s hand is big on the list of really bad insults. Doing it on purpose is one thing. (Her hand was not broken) Doing it in public, is another. You have just guaranteed yourself a place on that person’s permanent “do not call” and “never forget” list!
Second, every person in line saw her behavior and heard her words. Who knows who was standing in line with us? Perhaps a recruiter, HR Manager or potential supervisor she may face in a job interview sometime soon?
Third, her teenage daughter was standing by her side. How awful for a young person to witness this kind of behavior from a parent. What kind of lesson did she learn that day and how will that shape who she becomes and how she treats others? Parents carry such weight when it comes to personal influence.
Finally, I wouldn’t provide a very good reference should anyone ask me. These days, lots of reference checks happen behind the scenes and “under the radar”.
GIVE US YOUR THOUGHTS:
So what about you? Ever experienced anything like this? What did you do or say? Has it ever come back to bite that person in the you-know-what? OR have YOU ever refused to shake a person’s hand and if so, why?
Drama Queens: As one workshop participant recently said, “They’ll suck the life right out of ya!” Everyone in the room agreed and they all knew someone who fit the bill. They also needed tips on how to cope, so here’s a process to help:
First, decide how much energy you will allow this person to steal from you. You could allocate 80% of your day fixating on just one person, right? That won’t leave you much time for other folks who deserve your focus.
Next, identify how their pattern plays out. Is there a predictable cycle or routine you see happening over and over again? Get it down on paper so it’s clear in your mind. That way the next time it happens, you’ll be able to spot it right off.
Then identify how you want this person to do it differently in the future. Asking them to “stop doing X” will probably not work. They may need coaching to help substitute more constructive behaviors in place of destructive ones.
For example, if your favorite “drama queen” barges into your office and interrupts meetings on a regular basis:
Discuss the pattern with him or her immediately after the next incident. Be clear about the fact that their behavior/actions are unprofessional, disrespectful and unproductive.
Coach with the CARLA Concept™. Put pen to paper and together discuss the circumstance or challenge faced, the actions taken, results achieved, lessons learned, and alternatives for the future.
Include your observations as well as encourage them to self-identify. They may not realize all the damage they cause, such as “Results: people hide when they see you coming because they don’t have the time to deal with the many crisis you bring. This reduces your influence and erodes your credibility.”
Each time they relapse into the habit, sit them down and repeat the process. A once-over is not enough to make an impression. Some people need to go through it multiple times in order to “get it”.
If you are in a leadership position, make sure you add something to their performance goals & objectives about improving the level of professionalism. This will make it real and relevant to them. People do what they are held accountable for. They won’t think you’re really serious unless you make it measurable.
Overall, the trick is to clearly identify the behaviors that are destructive, get them down on paper, list the replacement behaviors you’d like to see, then engage the person in a “gap analysis” process using The CARLA Concept™.
Too often, we want to be polite and prefer not to rock the boat. That’s understandable given the uproar that occurs when you confront someone about their destructive behaviors. Some people feel it’s just not worth the hassle and give up. However, it’s better to address it as soon as possible. Otherwise, it will chip away at your patience, your energy level, and most importantly, steal your ability to be of service to others who ARE worth your time and attention.
Yes, there may be a little discomfort at first, but if you follow these tips, you might be able to convince the Drama Queen to relinquish the stage!
Shoes on fenceposts near Valley View Hot Springs CO
I’ve kept track of top tips and key insights resulting from client coaching sessions. I thought you might find them helpful, so here goes:
Just because companies are cutting back, laying off, downsizing and “re-orging” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make a move. Change creates opportunities.
Just because you like someone, doesn’t mean they are good for you. Those who push you to stretch beyond your limits may serve you better than those who just nod and agree.
What ratio of “noise” are you comfortable with in your life? Noise is auditory clutter. You do have the ability to block some of it out – filter phone calls, limit meetings and build in a quiet buffer zone.
Hone interpersonal communication by engaging in face-to-face conversations. While social media is a powerful, productive force for building relationships, it is no substitute for personal interaction and skill-building experience.
Spend as much time as possible to identify the top 10 percent of what you DO best and what you LIKE best. Sometimes the two will converge.
Three key areas determine career success and job satisfaction: 1) the tasks you prefer to do, 2) the people you work best with, 3) a comfortable, productive environment that nurtures your soul and stimulates your mind
Culture change within an organization – leadership, mission, philosophy – will do more to either motivate or harm employees than anything else
You get best results when you align your personality style with the “personality” of the organization AND your goals with their goals
Want to find a way to keep “stuff” from getting you down? Think like a consultant. Do your job and do what you can in the best interest of your “client”. But avoid getting emotionally caught up in whether or not they follow your advice.
Just because you feel someone may need your advice, doesn’t necessarily mean they will welcome your advice.
As you market yourself (for a job, in your business or on a date), remember that people are drawn to those they feel most comfortable with and relaxed around. Avoid making it hard for them!
Do you feel you have a direction in life? Is there a purpose, a mission or cause about which you feel strongly? If not, perhaps it’s time to find one – to put some spring in your step, keep you centered, grounded and motivated.
I know you sometimes struggle with the yardstick – evaluating, measuring how far to one side or another you should go. It’s fine to adjust the rudder, but be sure to find “range” parameters. These are the boundaries that define who you are, what you want, what you can do for others and just how far you feel you can go.
Are you doing something that’s meaningful? Is it meaningful for YOU?
Are you getting more from Facebook than the people in your office, your church, association or at home?
When was the last time you set a “horror floor”? This is how low you will go. It’s the “floor” of the prices you set, the work you will do, the people you allow into your life.
When was the last time you did something for the very first time? (Thanks for that, Paul!)
The more you stay down in the “weeds” the narrower your view.
The more you operate from a position of fear, the more you’ll find yourself closing up, contracting, constricting and limiting yourself.
Just because someone you respect is skeptical of your ideas, doesn’t mean you have to give them up. Listen – yes. But don’t shortchange yourself or diminish your ideas.
Are you angry? Is it because you’re not getting something you feel you deserve from someone? Maybe they’re not capable of giving it – maybe not now – maybe not ever. Put your energy to better use.
You don’t always have to be about selling your business, you know. Get better at communicating and showing who you are as a person. The rest will follow. People flock to sincerity and character like bees to honey!
Form an opinion. Those who say, “I have no opinion” are either not thinking, don’t care, they’re threatened or frightened.
If you’re the kind of person who’s learned your enthusiasm can get the best of you, wait 24 hours before you make that phone call, send that email or plunk down money.
And finally (for now anyway), the one you’ve invested so much time, prayer, money and energy into may not recognize the pain they have caused you. People do what’s important to THEM. So now, based on that, make your decision.
Anything ring a bell with you? Please let me know. Till next time,
unemployed, under-employed or living with someone who is?
dealing with a very difficult child, teacher, parent, spouse or friend?
confused or fearful about your future?
frustrated beyond belief at what’s happening to our country?
I’m frustrated too. AND I’ve decided to take charge – on a number of levels. I may not be successful at ALL levels, but at least I won’t feel like a victim. At least I’ll build some mental toughness – to prepare for what comes next. I will clarify my purpose, eliminate distractions and “gird my loins” if you will! I will move forward vs remain frozen.
Kind of like these guys, as portrayed in the HBO special, “John Adams”. If you haven’t seen it, rent it this weekend. Gather your friends and family; everyone bring a dish ’cause it’s a multi-part series.
I can’t even imagine what the founders and those who fought to create our country must have gone through. They must have felt like giving up. There must have been questions about their sanity and their motives. It’s clear that lives were lost. But it was important ENOUGH, wasn’t it?
So, while I can’t speak for you, but here’s what helps me stay motivated and get through the dark days:
Remembering where I came from. I think about all the hard work my parents put into raising me and my five brothers and sisters – the sleepless nights, the day-to-day sacrifices, the worry, and of course the joys! (We were quite a joyful handful!) After all their hard work, the least I can do is “belly up to the bar” and try to make them proud. I want to prove their efforts were not wasted.
That others need my strength. I hope this doesn’t come across as arrogant, but I’ve been reminded over the years that others watch how I’ve handled adversity. We never know who is watching us and whether what they see gives them courage or saps their strength. Even though I might feel inside like I’m fighting a losing battle, the effort of putting one foot in front of the other may encourage the people around me. Positive momentum builds when people inspire one another!
That this too will pass. Have you ever looked back on your life and remembered some REALLY dark days? You may wonder now how in the world you ever got through it! Eventually, this day will become one of those days too. You’ve done it before and you will do it again. And you’ll learn something more – a new skill and a better outlook along the way.
That it could lead to something better. I will restrain myself from pulling out that old joke about “…there must be a pony in here somewhere!” Truly, haven’t you noticed when you’re driving at night that the headlights only shine so far? But the farther we drive, the more territory we are able to see. (I call this my “Headlight Theory on Life” and intend to trademark it! Ha!) While it’s hard to keep this in mind while we’re in the midst of IT, new opportunities present themselves that I might otherwise have missed out on. We get creative when the pressure’s on, don’t we?
Change my routine. It’s easy to fall into a rut, physically and mentally. My thinking gets cloudy when too many struggles occur all at once. (And have you noticed it’s not necessarily the BIG things that drag us down – it’s the piling up of the little things?) So, I have to shake up my routine and do something different. Today it will be taking a walk at the park instead of going to the gym. (Yeah, like I go to the gym every day!) When I change my pattern of behavior, the mental state seems to follow – and things look better, brighter. I’m not sure why, but it just does.
Build in a buffer. You know how stressed we get when we’re late for an appointment or down to the last few bucks in the checking account? Remember how you felt after being sick for a while or during a storm when the furnace went out? That’s when tempers flare and attitudes turn dark. So, after finding myself “up against it” a few times, I discovered a book on how to build margin back into life. Margin is the space that exists between ourselves and our limits; it’s what we hold in reserve for unanticipated situations. The book is Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physcial, Financial and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives by Richard A. Swenson and it changed my way of thinking. While I don’t always succeed, I work harder now to build margin into my life – emotional energy, physical energy, time and financial – as much as possible!
Make friends. It feels good to get together with like-minded people. It’s energizing and motivating. You don’t do yourself any good by holing up inside a cocoon for too long. Come out! Join up with people who can lift your spirits. A ten-year Australian study found that people with friends live longer. I know life gets busy. I know we all have our Facebook profiles and pages and are followed by lots of folks on Twitter, but that’s not the same as face-to-face interaction. Invite someone over, host a movie night or call someone up who seems to be isolated. You’ll feel better too!
And finally, there are people who like to live in the dark. At some level, they get their needs met by always being in crisis and by sharing their “woe is me” mindset with others. Guard against this slippery slope. Catch yourself so the majority of your words and actions are constructive vs destructive. We can so easily go there when times are tough, but it will lead to an ever-increasing downward spiral that’s hard to climb out of.
While there’s no need to be “Suzie Sunshine” all the time, make sure to take charge of the majority of your day. It’s YOUR day. Create the sandbox you want to play in.
How to Deal with a Difficult Ex-spouse or Partner When You Have Children
One of the toughest juggling acts to manage is when you are divorced parents and you have children with an ex-spouse who is difficult and abusive. These are NOT physically abusive situations – rather they’re just annoying and challenging. But they are driving you crazy and unfortunately the kids are in the middle. Here are some tips to help you cope with this difficult person who is going to be in your life for the long haul, or at least until your children grow up and go out on their own!
First, your ex-spouse should be civil to you. If they are abusive, you do not need to put yourself in a situation where you are subject to that abuse. In addition to what the court says, you do have the right to set some boundaries for yourself and the kids as long as they are practical and reasonable.
Remember that he/she no longer controls you. You DO have a choice as to how you interact with your children’s father or mother. For example, if your ex-spouse uses the telephone to berate you, request that they communicate with you in the future in writing. While you do have an obligation to communicate with them about the children, unless it’s an emergency, it doesn’t mean you must accept abusive phone calls. Just verbalizing these words will give you a greater sense of control over your world. You will no longer feel like you are a victim, subject to their ranting and raving.
Set some ground rules so you have some peace and joy in your life. For example, ground rules might include:
- You are welcome to call between the hours of 9am-9pm. We will not accept phone calls before or after those hours, unless it is a valid emergency (someone is dying, bleeding, missing, etc.)
- Swearing or abusive language will not be tolerated. If it occurs, I will cease communication with you in person. You can communicate with me regarding the children only, and that will be done in writing. (This will also help you should you have to go back into court for any reason in the future)
- Gifts to the children of a dangerous nature are not allowed in our home. If the ex-spouse plans to give the child a pocket knife for example and you do not agree it is appropriate, and you cannot talk the ex-spouse out of it, then you can require the gift be left at their home – not yours.
Set yourself a “horror floor”. How bad can it get? What is the worst that can happen or has happened? Then you can mentally prepare yourself for that circumstance, should it occur. Use the C.A.R.L.A. Concept™ to map out the circumstances you are facing in order to decide how to cope with it. (C – circumstance or challenge faced; A – actions you took or plan to take; R – results achieved; L – lessons learned; A – alternative/another approach for the future)
Check yourself out. Is there something you are doing that’s sparking the fire? We all learn what buttons to push, don’t we? In this case, we know all too well how to provoke this person. Make sure you are not gently nudging them to the point where you get the reaction you expect. Be honest with yourself and use the Carla Concept™ to revisit the last volatile situation and analyze how it got started, what you may have done to contribute to the situation, and how you can handle it differently in the future.
Put up a good front for the kids. You are teaching them how to behave through your words and actions. While their father/mother may not be behaving in an adult and respectful manner, they will gain strength and wisdom from you if you can maintain that adult role. You will hear it from them years later when they admit that “Dad” or “Mom” could have done things a little bit differently. Kids are perceptive and they figure our pretty quick who is the strong one and who is not. By strength, I mean mature strength, not just power.
Lose a battle to win the war. There are times when you will have to suck it up and let something occur that you know he/she is doing just to get back at you. But remember that all battles are not worth winning at the expense of losing the war. Bide your time, take the high road no matter how difficult it feels in the moment, and you will find yourself in a better position in the future. There will be a time (I guarantee it!) when your difficult spouse will need your help. Perhaps it’s when the teenaged child is visiting them, they have an argument and the child takes off. You know their favorite hangouts and you are able to coerce your son or daughter back home to safety. Certainly, never back down if the child’s safety and well being is at risk – those are always battles worth fighting for!
Regardless of the situation, your ability to be the more mature and stronger one will not only help you build a more positive, loving relationship with your children, but also turn your ex-spouse around (eventually) if you try to do the right thing. If you allow yourself to get sucked up in the game playing, then it will only serve to extend the pain and agony you are experiencing right now.
And if you still need more help, please visit my Difficult People page, where I’m adding more resources to help you cope with these folks!
"Be who you are and say what you think because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!" --Dr. Seuss
"You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by encouraging class hatred. You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves." --Abraham Lincoln
