From the category archives:

personality styles

Communication Skills, Personality Styles and Aspergers Syndrome

06/15/2010

I’m studying the impact of Aspergers Syndrome on personality styles and interpersonal communication skills at work, at home and in school.

Perhaps these resources may come in handy as you strive to understand interpersonal communication differences in co-workers, managers, students, friends or family members – it may help you help others!

What is Aspergers Syndrome? According to Tony Attwood, Author of the Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, traits include:

  • those who value being creative vs cooperative
  • a different, not defective, way of thinking
  • a desire to solve a problem vs satisfy social/emotional needs of others
  • those who struggle with the management/expression of emotions
  • direct, determined and speak their mind
  • perceive errors not apparent to others
  • and others, which you can read more about here

More experiences* of Asperger’s symptoms include:

Very bright, very sweet, vulnerable, often misunderstood and may easily be taken advantage of. They may come across like a little professor and talk in a way which leads you to believe they are years older, intellectually. They may end up being loners, struggle with relationships, work hard to impress others with their knowledge and could come across as arrogant. They may have a flat “affect” or expressionless face. Reading social cues is difficult, so they may ask more questions than what’s typical. They may also interpret you literally and say, “…but, that isn’t what I expected…”. It’s possible they’ve shown symptoms of ADD, ADHD, learning disabilities, anger management challenges, auditory processing problems, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, oppositional defiance, control issues, etc.

(* Disclaimer: the lawyers tell me to let you know right about here that I am NOT a psychologist, psychiatrist, licensed social worker, therapist or doctor! Always consult a professional.)

Megan Pratinfield has written articles about her experiences with Asperger’s symptoms. Here’s another good resource on Asperger’s with a page about famous people with “Aspy” traits.

And here’s the help4aspergers.com site, featuring information on Asperger’s at work, female traits and the book, 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger’s.

Then, from the words of a young man with Asperger’s, here’s what he says it’s like:

And a final word…

If you know someone who is struggling, whether they are a child or a full-grown adult, it’s possible there may be more going on than just a difficult personality style. I’ve had people tell me their behavioral challenges stemmed from their environment, their boss, spouse, parents, the food they ate, the drugs they took and the people they hung out with.

And that may all be true.

But please do not let another day go by without learning more about Asperger’s. It could change your life or the life of a loved one!

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How to Deal with the Dark Days

03/03/2010

Are you struggling? Are you:

  • unemployed, under-employed or living with someone who is?
  • dealing with a very difficult child, teacher, parent, spouse or friend?
  • confused or fearful about your future?
  • frustrated beyond belief at what’s happening to our country?

I’m frustrated too. AND I’ve decided to take charge – on a number of levels. I may not be successful at ALL levels, but at least I won’t feel like a victim. At least I’ll build some mental toughness – to prepare for what comes next. I will clarify my purpose, eliminate distractions and “gird my loins” if you will! I will move forward vs remain frozen.

Kind of like these guys, as portrayed in the HBO special, “John Adams”. If you haven’t seen it, rent it this weekend. Gather your friends and family; everyone bring a dish ’cause it’s a multi-part series.

I can’t even imagine what the founders and those who fought to create our country must have gone through. They must have felt like giving up. There must have been questions about their sanity and their motives. It’s clear that lives were lost. But it was important ENOUGH, wasn’t it?

So, while I can’t speak for you, but here’s what helps me stay motivated and get through the dark days:

Remembering where I came from. I think about all the hard work my parents put into raising me and my five brothers and sisters – the sleepless nights, the day-to-day sacrifices, the worry, and of course the joys! (We were quite a joyful handful!) After all their hard work, the least I can do is “belly up to the bar” and try to make them proud. I want to prove their efforts were not wasted.

That others need my strength. I hope this doesn’t come across as arrogant, but I’ve been reminded over the years that others watch how I’ve handled adversity. We never know who is watching us and whether what they see gives them courage or saps their strength. Even though I might feel inside like I’m fighting a losing battle, the effort of putting one foot in front of the other may encourage the people around me. Positive momentum builds when people inspire one another!

That this too will pass. Have you ever looked back on your life and remembered some REALLY dark days? You may wonder now how in the world you ever got through it! Eventually, this day will become one of those days too. You’ve done it before and you will do it again. And you’ll learn something more – a new skill and a better outlook along the way.

That it could lead to something better. I will restrain myself from pulling out that old joke about “…there must be a pony in here somewhere!” Truly, haven’t you noticed when you’re driving at night that the headlights only shine so far? But the farther we drive, the more territory we are able to see. (I call this my “Headlight Theory on Life” and intend to trademark it! Ha!) While it’s hard to keep this in mind while we’re in the midst of IT, new opportunities present themselves that I might otherwise have missed out on. We get creative when the pressure’s on, don’t we?

Change my routine. It’s easy to fall into a rut, physically and mentally. My thinking gets cloudy when too many struggles occur all at once. (And have you noticed it’s not necessarily the BIG things that drag us down – it’s the piling up of the little things?) So, I have to shake up my routine and do something different. Today it will be taking a walk at the park instead of going to the gym. (Yeah, like I go to the gym every day!) When I change my pattern of behavior, the mental state seems to follow – and things look better, brighter. I’m not sure why, but it just does.

Build in a buffer. You know how stressed we get when we’re late for an appointment or down to the last few bucks in the checking account? Remember how you felt after being sick for a while or during a storm when the furnace went out? That’s when tempers flare and attitudes turn dark. So, after finding myself “up against it” a few times, I discovered a book on how to build margin back into life. Margin is the space that exists between ourselves and our limits; it’s what we hold in reserve for unanticipated situations. The book is Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physcial, Financial and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives by Richard A. Swenson and it changed my way of thinking. While I don’t always succeed, I work harder now to build margin into my life – emotional energy, physical energy, time and financial – as much as possible!

Make friends. It feels good to get together with like-minded people. It’s energizing and motivating. You don’t do yourself any good by holing up inside a cocoon for too long. Come out! Join up with people who can lift your spirits. A ten-year Australian study found that people with friends live longer. I know life gets busy. I know we all have our Facebook profiles and pages and are followed by lots of folks on Twitter, but that’s not the same as face-to-face interaction. Invite someone over, host a movie night or call someone up who seems to be isolated. You’ll feel better too!

And finally, there are people who like to live in the dark. At some level, they get their needs met by always being in crisis and by sharing their “woe is me” mindset with others. Guard against this slippery slope. Catch yourself so the majority of your words and actions are constructive vs destructive. We can so easily go there when times are tough, but it will lead to an ever-increasing downward spiral that’s hard to climb out of.

While there’s no need to be “Suzie Sunshine” all the time, make sure to take charge of the majority of your day. It’s YOUR day. Create the sandbox you want to play in.

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12 Ways to Spot Your Personality Style

03/02/2010

I had a friend over one day. We had coffee. Her’s got cold and she asked if she could warm in the microwave.

I replied, “Of course”.

A few minutes later she rejoined me in the living room and said, “Your microwave doesn’t work right.”

I was confused. “But I just heard it running and your cup is steaming. What do you mean, it doesn’t work?”

She said, “Well, I put it in with the handle facing out and punched in the same number of seconds I normally do at home. But when I opened up the door to your microwave the handle was in the back. It’s supposed to end up facing out – towards me – so I can grab it.”

“So, that means there must be something wrong with my microwave.”

“Yup, you need to get it fixed.”

A short time later I shared this story with another friend. We got talking about how we eventually figured out our personality styles without having to take an assessment; we paid attention to the small things we did or thought about every day. Those were the clues.

“For example” she said, “I think about time very differently than other people.”

I asked her, “How so?” and she drew this picture…

“This is how I think about time. In my mind, January through May and September through December don’t take up as much space.”

(This was about the time I started searching for telltale signs of an alien abduction)

“But May through August takes up a LOT of space ’cause those months I want to last longer” she said.

I then asked, “But why would you do this? Time is time. Every day has 24 hours. We can’t fool ourselves into making it last longer.”

“I can,” she said. “Besides, I have to have a way to think about it that makes sense. I mean, how do YOU think about time? Don’t you have to have someplace to ‘put it’ in your mind so you can look to see where that month belongs?”

(By then I really knew she’d been swapped out with someone who just looked like her!)

“Nope. I don’t need to see a picture in my mind when I think about time. I just use it up!” I said.

“Well, I have to have a place to put things. It makes me feel organized” she said.

And then the light bulb came on! She is a process person. Her whole life is pretty darned organized. She has cubbyholes at her desk with neat little cubicles for pads of paper, pens, paper clips and even the stapler, for goodness sakes!

I have a drawer. One day I may take the time to organize it. That will probably save me a lot of time in the long run.

She has a recipe book she’s created over the years by pulling recipes out of magazines. It’s organized according to type of food: vegetable dishes, desserts, casseroles, etc. Her file folder labels are typed. (Mine are hand-written)

But those things are not that important to me. I spend my time in other ways. (Like trying to influence people with my sparkling wit! Ha!)

So now I’m on this “kick”. I ask folks how they know their personality style from the day-to-day stuff they do. And here’s what they tell me…

  1. I space the hangers in my closet so they’re exactly half an inch apart
  2. I organize the food on my plate in the order I’m going to eat it – clockwise
  3. I never balance my checkbook; I just check online to see if there’s still money left in the account
  4. I have to leave two or three voice mail messages when I call someone ’cause those darned recorders never give you enough time to say what you need to say
  5. I have to have the garbage can cleaned out – I hate the thought of it being all smelly when the garbage collectors come
  6. I carved out foam containers to fit my tools exactly – and I’ve labeled each one
  7. People just don’t know how to load a dishwasher properly! I’m always having to go and re-arrange things after my ______ (fill in the blank: spouse, kids, mother in law) loads it
  8. Co-workers say I’m like a bull in a china shop; things just get bumped and knocked over when I’m around
  9. I eat at the sink; it takes too much time to sit down

See anything you can relate to on that list?

So, here’s the slam-bang finish and the primary way to learn more about your personality style:

It’s all about motivation. Ask yourself WHY you do the things you do.

Do you get back in your car and move it when you realize you parked it all screwy? I might not bother because parking ‘outside the lines’ isn’t a big deal for me, UNLESS it’s a crowded parking lot. Then I might be worried I’d keep someone else from being able to squeeze in. If there are a lot of people nearby, I might move the car because I don’t want to look like a dork! But I never, EVER, move my car because parking inside the lines is the RIGHT WAY to park it!

How about you? Care to share a few items on your list? How do you know what personality style you have?

And while we’re waiting, please excuse me while I go microwave my coffee!

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Dealing with a Difficult Ex-spouse

01/25/2010

How to Deal with a Difficult Ex-spouse or Partner When You Have Children

One of the toughest juggling acts to manage is when you are divorced parents and you have children with an ex-spouse who is difficult and abusive. These are NOT physically abusive situations – rather they’re just annoying and challenging. But they are driving you crazy and unfortunately the kids are in the middle. Here are some tips to help you cope with this difficult person who is going to be in your life for the long haul, or at least until your children grow up and go out on their own!

First, your ex-spouse should be civil to you. If they are abusive, you do not need to put yourself in a situation where you are subject to that abuse. In addition to what the court says, you do have the right to set some boundaries for yourself and the kids as long as they are practical and reasonable.

Remember that he/she no longer controls you. You DO have a choice as to how you interact with your children’s father or mother. For example, if your ex-spouse uses the telephone to berate you, request that they communicate with you in the future in writing. While you do have an obligation to communicate with them about the children, unless it’s an emergency, it doesn’t mean you must accept abusive phone calls. Just verbalizing these words will give you a greater sense of control over your world. You will no longer feel like you are a victim, subject to their ranting and raving.

Set some ground rules so you have some peace and joy in your life. For example, ground rules might include:

- You are welcome to call between the hours of 9am-9pm. We will not accept phone calls before or after those hours, unless it is a valid emergency (someone is dying, bleeding, missing, etc.)

- Swearing or abusive language will not be tolerated. If it occurs, I will cease communication with you in person. You can communicate with me regarding the children only, and that will be done in writing. (This will also help you should you have to go back into court for any reason in the future)

- Gifts to the children of a dangerous nature are not allowed in our home. If the ex-spouse plans to give the child a pocket knife for example and you do not agree it is appropriate, and you cannot talk the ex-spouse out of it, then you can require the gift be left at their home – not yours.

Set yourself a “horror floor”. How bad can it get? What is the worst that can happen or has happened? Then you can mentally prepare yourself for that circumstance, should it occur. Use the C.A.R.L.A. Concept™ to map out the circumstances you are facing in order to decide how to cope with it. (C – circumstance or challenge faced; A – actions you took or plan to take; R – results achieved; L – lessons learned; A – alternative/another approach for the future)

Check yourself out. Is there something you are doing that’s sparking the fire? We all learn what buttons to push, don’t we? In this case, we know all too well how to provoke this person. Make sure you are not gently nudging them to the point where you get the reaction you expect. Be honest with yourself and use the Carla Concept™ to revisit the last volatile situation and analyze how it got started, what you may have done to contribute to the situation, and how you can handle it differently in the future.

Put up a good front for the kids. You are teaching them how to behave through your words and actions. While their father/mother may not be behaving in an adult and respectful manner, they will gain strength and wisdom from you if you can maintain that adult role. You will hear it from them years later when they admit that “Dad” or “Mom” could have done things a little bit differently. Kids are perceptive and they figure our pretty quick who is the strong one and who is not. By strength, I mean mature strength, not just power.

Lose a battle to win the war. There are times when you will have to suck it up and let something occur that you know he/she is doing just to get back at you. But remember that all battles are not worth winning at the expense of losing the war. Bide your time, take the high road no matter how difficult it feels in the moment, and you will find yourself in a better position in the future. There will be a time (I guarantee it!) when your difficult spouse will need your help. Perhaps it’s when the teenaged child is visiting them, they have an argument and the child takes off. You know their favorite hangouts and you are able to coerce your son or daughter back home to safety. Certainly, never back down if the child’s safety and well being is at risk – those are always battles worth fighting for!

Regardless of the situation, your ability to be the more mature and stronger one will not only help you build a more positive, loving relationship with your children, but also turn your ex-spouse around (eventually) if you try to do the right thing. If you allow yourself to get sucked up in the game playing, then it will only serve to extend the pain and agony you are experiencing right now.

And if you still need more help, please visit my Difficult People page, where I’m adding more resources to help you cope with these folks!

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How to calculate the costs of a DUI

12/21/2009

Ready to party? Before you get behind the wheel, let’s analyze the costs of the average DUI shall we?

  • Getting your car out of the impound lot: $250
  • Bail bond fee: $1500
  • Lawyer: $1500+
  • 10 days in jail @ $45/day (yes, they DO charge you to sit in jail): $450
  • Court costs and fees: $900+
  • Travel costs to and from the court: it varies, depending on whether you got picked up close to home or across the country while you were on vacation
  • Time off work assuming you’re able to keep your job: varies
  • Community service 10 days: cost of lost wages
  • One year of weekly alcohol counseling classes at $25 each: $650
  • 2-4 breathalyzer sessions/week for one year at $3-7 each: $234
  • MADD class: $35.00
  • Breathalyzer monitoring device on your car for two years at $77/month: $1898.00
  • The good graces of those who sacrifice their time to drive you to and fro: Hard to quantify

Lives lost and destroyed – priceless! Be careful out there – please…

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