Why do teams fail?

Ahhh, let me count the ways! Teams fail every day, despite all the team building programs they attend. They fail despite the increased emphasis on the concept. They fail even though they KNOW collaboration is the best way to increase effectiveness and achieve worthy goals.

And here’s The BIG Secret – why they fail has more to do with how they treat each other more than anything you will do or not do!

But regardless of whether you’re a supervisor, business owner, executive director or council chair, your commitment to create an environment of teamwork and collaboration is crucial. If they see it’s important to you, regardless of how unwilling or untrained they are at first, they will make the effort to make it work.

And if YOU know in advance why folks fail, you can “head ‘em off at the pass” and require norms of behavior that lead to success.

Teams fail because members fail to…

1. Thank each other. Some believe mistakenly that recognition is only the leader’s job and don’t realize that peer appreciation usually means more to folks. Why? Because people know that leaders go to leadership classes that teach they how to do and say the right things. Depending on the level of trust in the relationship, they may be very skeptical of appreciation they feel is insincere. Yet when it comes from someone with whom you work side by side, and there’s no inference of obligation, peer “thank you’s” mean a lot. Encourage them not to be stingy with their appreciation of one another.

2. See the value in one another’s roles. They fail to recognize that it’s important to have a creative “idea person” on the team, a reliable “executor” and a strong “promoter” to move ideas forward. Yet often, the idea person gets offended when someone questions the practicalities of their concepts, or the executor gets frustrated when plans have to go back to the drawing board. We need all roles to be as effective as possible. The teams I work with who have the most trouble are those that are significantly lopsided. They may get along, but they don’t get things done.

3. Identify one another’s strengths. At the beginning of each project, team members should take the time to discuss, “here’s what I’m good at” or “here’s where my strengths lie”. If you were a member of a sculling team (rowing) or any other sport, wouldn’t the coach want to know who was left-handed and who was right-handed? They’d adjust the way they placed people on the team according to that trait, right? It’s the same concept on any work team, board or council. Established teams know one another well enough that they choose tasks according to talent and strengths. But a newly formed team doesn’t have that knowledge or experience of one another just yet. That type of discussion will help them put the best “faces” in the most effective “places” so they can use their resources wisely.

4. Practice diversity vs cloning. Teams tend to want to clone themselves and invite participants in who are “just like me”. They often fail to appreciate that someone with a radically different approach may bring a perspective that makes the team smarter and stronger. Too often, we shut out those who rock the boat, ask too many questions and push back on the status quo. We perceive them as trouble-makers because they don’t always go along to get along. Perhaps their approach is not as smooth or sophisticated as we would like. Not everyone went to professional charm school and some people have physiological issues that make it difficult for them to interact socially like others do. That doesn’t mean their ideas aren’t worthwhile. As a team, we may benefit more from someone like that than someone who sits quietly in the corner and agrees with everything that’s said.

5. Recognize the power of the informal leader. There are those who command a great deal of respect and informal authority. It’s because of who they are vs what position, rank or office they hold. These are the folks who can influence others and get things done in ways that most cannot. They have what’s called “referent” power. People pay attention to what they say. It’s due to their character, reputation, they way they carry themselves and often, due to the relationships they’ve formed with folks along the way. These are the influencers and it’s best that teams know who they are and choose to work with them vs against them if the team really wants to get things done.

In Part Two on this topic, I’ll cover the five remaining reasons why teams fail.

In Part Three, I’ll share tips on what to do first if you’re forming a new team or want to take an existing team to a higher level of effectiveness.

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Laura Benjamin is a Colorado-based strategic planning facilitator who helps leadership teams, boards, councils and commissions create collaboration and strengthen relationships for enhanced effectiveness. Contact her at 719-266-8088 or LauraBenjamin.com.

When I was a kid, I sucked my thumb and ended up with an overbite you could have driven a Mac truck through. Well, okay, maybe it was more like the end of a pencil.

Anyway, I had a grueling time of it freshman year of high school, but here were some benefits to wearing braces.

For one, I never lost so much weigh, so easily, in my entire life. Eating was painful - especially when my orthodontist tightened the screws. And when he poured that goopy stuff down my throat for the mold, I learned breathing techniques that came in handy during childbirth.

He kept muttering, “Stop biting my thumb. Stop…biting…my…thumb!”

Then there was the day I fell asleep on the coach with my mouth wide open. We had a couch with nubby fabric and rows of fuzzy threads. Remember the type? Somehow I hooked myself to the cushion. I was like the lady who’d fallen and couldn’t get up – I couldn’t get off.

And it was hard to get anyone’s attention. I lay there, groaning away until someone noticed and ran for the scissors. Then came the oh-so-delicate process of cutting me loose.

Can you relate? Have you gotten yourself “hooked”? Is anyone coming with scissors to cut YOU loose?

Maybe you’re in a sticky relationship, a frustrating job, a situation you swear you knew better than to get yourself into.

Perhaps this is round two or three and you’re wondering why, oh why, did I choose that “couch” again? When will I EVER learn?

What I learned from wearing braces is they make you look better in the long run. Once those babies come off, you feel like you’ve got a brand new mouth. There’s lots of room in there and smooth, smooth teeth. No more sharp edges. No more obstacles to work around.

And while hardly anyone noticed when the braces came off, they could tell that I smiled more, I walked taller and was more social. They noticed the change that came from inside me, not from the missing tinsel I had worn on the outside.

No one had to know I wore a “retainer” at night.

No one knows (except you) that I’ve learned how to sleep with my mouth shut!

Are you struggling? Are you:

• unemployed, under-employed or living with someone who is?
• dealing with a very difficult child, teacher, parent, spouse or friend?
• confused or fearful about your future?
• frustrated beyond belief at what’s happening to our country?

I’m frustrated too. AND I’ve decided to take charge – on a number of levels. I may not be successful at ALL levels, but at least I won’t feel like a victim. At least I’ll build some mental toughness – to prepare for what comes next. I will clarify my purpose, eliminate distractions and “gird my loins” if you will! I will move forward vs remain frozen.

Kind of like these guys, as portrayed in the HBO special, “John Adams”. If you haven’t seen it, rent it this weekend. Gather your friends and family; everyone bring a dish ’cause it’s a multi-part series.

I can’t even imagine what the founders and those who fought to create our country must have gone through. They must have felt like giving up. There must have been questions about their sanity and their motives. It’s clear that lives were lost. But it was important ENOUGH, wasn’t it?

So, while I can’t speak for you, but here’s what helps me stay motivated and get through the dark days:

Remembering where I came from. I think about all the hard work my parents put into raising me and my five brothers and sisters – the sleepless nights, the day-to-day sacrifices, the worry, and of course the joys! (We were quite a joyful handful!) After all their hard work, the least I can do is “belly up to the bar” and try to make them proud. I want to prove their efforts were not wasted.

That others need my strength. I hope this doesn’t come across as arrogant, but I’ve been reminded over the years that others watch how I’ve handled adversity. We never know who is watching us and whether what they see gives them courage or saps their strength. Even though I might feel inside like I’m fighting a losing battle, the effort of putting one foot in front of the other may encourage the people around me. Positive momentum builds when people inspire one another!

That this too will pass. Have you ever looked back on your life and remembered some REALLY dark days? You may wonder now how in the world you ever got through it! Eventually, this day will become one of those days too. You’ve done it before and you will do it again. And you’ll learn something more – a new skill and a better outlook along the way.

That it could lead to something better. I will restrain myself from pulling out that old joke about “…there must be a pony in here somewhere!” Truly, haven’t you noticed when you’re driving at night that the headlights only shine so far? But the farther we drive, the more territory we are able to see. (I call this my “Headlight Theory on Life” and intend to trademark it! Ha!) While it’s hard to keep this in mind while we’re in the midst of IT, new opportunities present themselves that I might otherwise have missed out on. We get creative when the pressure’s on, don’t we?

Change my routine. It’s easy to fall into a rut, physically and mentally. My thinking gets cloudy when too many struggles occur all at once. (And have you noticed it’s not necessarily the BIG things that drag us down – it’s the piling up of the little things?) So, I have to shake up my routine and do something different. Today it will be taking a walk at the park instead of going to the gym. (Yeah, like I go to the gym every day!) When I change my pattern of behavior, the mental state seems to follow – and things look better, brighter. I’m not sure why, but it just does.

Build in a buffer. You know how stressed we get when we’re late for an appointment or down to the last few bucks in the checking account? Remember how you felt after being sick for a while or during a storm when the furnace went out? That’s when tempers flare and attitudes turn dark. So, after finding myself “up against it” a few times, I discovered a book on how to build margin back into life. Margin is the space that exists between ourselves and our limits; it’s what we hold in reserve for unanticipated situations. The book is Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physcial, Financial and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives by Richard A. Swenson and it changed my way of thinking. While I don’t always succeed, I work harder now to build margin into my life – emotional energy, physical energy, time and financial – as much as possible!

Make friends. It feels good to get together with like-minded people. It’s energizing and motivating. You don’t do yourself any good by holing up inside a cocoon for too long. Come out! Join up with people who can lift your spirits. A ten-year Australian study found that people with friends live longer. I know life gets busy. I know we all have our Facebook profiles and pages and are followed by lots of folks on Twitter, but that’s not the same as face-to-face interaction. Invite someone over, host a movie night or call someone up who seems to be isolated. You’ll feel better too!

And finally, there are people who like to live in the dark. At some level, they get their needs met by always being in crisis and by sharing their “woe is me” mindset with others. Guard against this slippery slope. Catch yourself so the majority of your words and actions are constructive vs destructive. We can so easily go there when times are tough, but it will lead to an ever-increasing downward spiral that’s hard to climb out of.

While there’s no need to be “Suzie Sunshine” all the time, make sure to take charge of the majority of your day. It’s YOUR day. Create the sandbox you want to play in.

I had a friend over one day. We had coffee. Her’s got cold and she asked if she could warm in the microwave.

I replied, “Of course”.

A few minutes later she rejoined me in the living room and said, “Your microwave doesn’t work right.”

I was confused. “But I just heard it running and your cup is steaming. What do you mean, it doesn’t work?”

She said, “Well, I put it in with the handle facing out and punched in the same number of seconds I normally do at home. But when I opened up the door to your microwave the handle was in the back. It’s supposed to end up facing out – towards me – so I can grab it.”

“So, that means there must be something wrong with my microwave.”

“Yup, you need to get it fixed.”

A short time later I shared this story with another friend. We got talking about how we eventually figured out our personality styles without having to take an assessment; we paid attention to the small things we did or thought about every day. Those were the clues.

“For example” she said, “I think about time very differently than other people.”

I asked her, “How so?” and she drew this picture…

“This is how I think about time. In my mind, January through May and September through December don’t take up as much space.”

(This was about the time I started searching for telltale signs of an alien abduction)

“But May through August takes up a LOT of space ’cause those months I want to last longer” she said.

I then asked, “But why would you do this? Time is time. Every day has 24 hours. We can’t fool ourselves into making it last longer.”

“I can,” she said. “Besides, I have to have a way to think about it that makes sense. I mean, how do YOU think about time? Don’t you have to have someplace to ‘put it’ in your mind so you can look to see where that month belongs?”

(By then I really knew she’d been swapped out with someone who just looked like her!)

“Nope. I don’t need to see a picture in my mind when I think about time. I just use it up!” I said.

“Well, I have to have a place to put things. It makes me feel organized” she said.

And then the light bulb came on! She is a process person. Her whole life is pretty darned organized. She has cubbyholes at her desk with neat little cubicles for pads of paper, pens, paper clips and even the stapler, for goodness sakes!

I have a drawer. One day I may take the time to organize it. That will probably save me a lot of time in the long run.

She has a recipe book she’s created over the years by pulling recipes out of magazines. It’s organized according to type of food: vegetable dishes, desserts, casseroles, etc. Her file folder labels are typed. (Mine are hand-written)

But those things are not that important to me. I spend my time in other ways. (Like trying to influence people with my sparkling wit! Ha!)

So now I’m on this “kick”. I ask folks how they know their personality style from the day-to-day stuff they do. And here’s what they tell me…

1. I space the hangers in my closet so they’re exactly half an inch apart
2. I organize the food on my plate in the order I’m going to eat it – clockwise
3. I never balance my checkbook; I just check online to see if there’s still money left in the account
4. I have to leave two or three voice mail messages when I call someone ’cause those darned recorders never give you enough time to say what you need to say
5. I have to have the garbage can cleaned out – I hate the thought of it being all smelly when the garbage collectors come
6. I carved out foam containers to fit my tools exactly – and I’ve labeled each one
7. People just don’t know how to load a dishwasher properly! I’m always having to go and re-arrange things after my ______ (fill in the blank: spouse, kids, mother in law) loads it
8. Co-workers say I’m like a bull in a china shop; things just get bumped and knocked over when I’m around
9. I eat at the sink; it takes too much time to sit down

See anything you can relate to on that list?

So, here’s the slam-bang finish and the primary way to learn more about your personality style:

It’s all about motivation. Ask yourself WHY you do the things you do.

Do you get back in your car and move it when you realize you parked it all screwy? I might not bother because parking ‘outside the lines’ isn’t a big deal for me, UNLESS it’s a crowded parking lot. Then I might be worried I’d keep someone else from being able to squeeze in. If there are a lot of people nearby, I might move the car because I don’t want to look like a dork! But I never, EVER, move my car because parking inside the lines is the RIGHT WAY to park it!

How about you? Care to share a few items on your list? How do you know what personality style you have?

And while we’re waiting, please excuse me while I go microwave my coffee!

Ever heard the old saying, “Don’t shoot yourself in the foot?”

Well, for some of us that’s easy. We’ve been through firearms training and hunter safety classes. We know the drill. But chopping firewood, now that’s another story!

When I first bought this cabin, I dreamed of cozy fires in the wood stove and a huge (HUGE) pile of wood, split and stacked within reach. It never occurred to me I’d need to split kindling to get that fire started!

And while I can handle a rifle, I’m fearful of sharp things. Paul Bunyan, I’m not! So here’s how I’ve learned to avoid chopping myself in the foot! (Maybe these tips will help you too – so YOU don’t shoot…um, chop yourself in the foot)

1. Keep your legs out of the way. Does this seem like a no-brainer? Well, it only took one close call to learn it’s not smart to “stand” where you can be “struck”. Stand with your legs apart so the ax swings between.

2. Sharpen the tool. Don’t make the job any harder than you have to. (We’ve all seen what happens to that tomato before they whip out the Ginsu knives, right?) Avoid being the “tomato”. Dull implements cause more damage.

3. Use dry wood. Wet wood won’t cut it. Ha! Make sure it’s well “seasoned” and is ready to be burned, otherwise you’ll end up with a heck of a job splitting that log. You’ll know green wood when you pick it up because it’s heavier to “carry”.

4. Use a firm grip. Grasp that handle “like a man” (so to speak). No tentative half-measures here. You’re either serious about splitting that log or you might as well lay it down and go back inside.

5. Commit the time to “get ‘er done”. No use heading out in the cold to chop just one or two logs. Stay until you’ve worked your way through the “pile”, so you don’t have to go back out there again right away. Finish the job. Chop more than you need just in case an unexpected “storm” blows through.

6. Store your tools somewhere safe. While it’s handy to keep them out in the open for all to see, what if some “kid” wanders along, helps himself and gets hurt? Not everyone knows how to swing an ax properly. Maybe they haven’t had the practice. Maybe they’re not old enough, big enough or strong enough.

Finally, maybe I can avoid this whole job altogether! Maybe I don’t need to work that hard. Yes, I do believe my time and talents are best used elsewhere!

And I’d never, ever want anyone to think, “You know what they say about that Laura – for those with an ax, everything becomes a log.”

(Or was it, “For those with a hammer, everything becomes a nail?”)

Either way, soon we’ll address the burning question, “Why does my fireplace smoke?”

Now there’s an analogy worth exploring!

My daughter decided to enlist in the Air Force and I’m very proud of her! I think it’ll be good for her growth as a person and help build character and resilience – although she’s a pretty spunky young lady as it is!

I learned a lot from my seven years in the Air Force, especially basic training! I remember pulling in to Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas at 2am. Some big, loud guy jumped up through the door of the bus and yelled, “Alright, ladies!” (even though 90% of my companions were male) “Up and out! Line up!” Then he shouted, “Up against the wall!” (In that first phone call back home I told my Mom I was scared silly; I wasn’t sure what was coming next!)

But I have fond memories and realize now how much I learned about life and leadership during those eight grueling weeks. (I can hear my Marine and Army friends snickering at me right now…”Grueling, Laura? You can’t even GUESS what grueling feels like!”)

Ahem! Okay, so as I was saying…here’s what I learned:

You “earned your clothes”. New uniforms were added to our “wardrobe” as we progressed through each week of training. Wearing them hinged on achieving certain milestones and we didn’t get to wear our dress blues until the end. Wearing the next set of clothes was a privilege you earned. (And just in case you’re wondering, we did not start out naked!) Lesson learned: what’s worth having is worth working for. You have to prove you’re worthy, qualified and ready for the responsibility. It might be hard to wait for the “goodies”, but you need to know how to handle it so you don’t cause yourself (or others) harm if things come too fast and easy.

Peer pressure was a powerful tool. If one lady wanted to put her sweater on, she knew we’d ALL have to put our sweaters on. So we learned to make decisions and requests keeping the needs of the entire team in mind. Lesson learned: It’s never just about you; your actions end up impacting others. Even if you think this one decision is a small one and you make it behind closed doors in the dark of night, it’s possible the ripple effect will be felt elsewhere. Sometimes having a strong support structure (family, faith, community) helps us tow the line through our weaker moments.

The team had to move as one. Marching 101 required you pay attention to the person beside you, in front of and behind you. You took your cues from each other with one goal – to move as one. If you got out of step, you’d “skip” to match pace. If your stride started bouncing, you’d have to regain control and settle back down. Typically a whisper from the person behind you, “you’re bouncing” would snap you back into form. Lesson learned: Teams, boards, councils and parents should speak with “one voice” and act as one. We may not agree with the direction the group wants to take, but at some point you have to choose whether being part of the group and supporting them is more important. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you are the lone voice in the wilderness, fighting against groupthink. You’ll know when it’s worth it to push back based on what’s at risk if you don’t.

We were all in it together. At first, there were the few who were totally unprepared for the shock of basic training. Their recruiters hadn’t been straight with them and they whimpered at night under the covers. But gradually the group started to bond. We helped one another through tough times and watched for ways to ease the burden for some who struggled. Lesson learned: Helping others distracts folks from their own worries. In the book, The Survivors Club: The Secrets and Science that Could Save Your Life, author Ben Sherwood cites studies that prove doctors, nurses and emergency response people tend to survive catastrophes, not because they are medically trained, but because they don’t allow emotional despair to get the best of them. They have a purpose and people with purpose have more will to survive.

No talking to men in the first 10 days. I’m still not sure what that one was all about! I’m certain it had something to do with instilling yet MORE discipline – squelching those animal instincts and all. So, I broke that rule the first week.

I tried to avoid the tall, handsome guy who kept chasing me around the aisle at the small BX (general store), but he was pretty determined! I kept dodging him until he slipped me a note that said, “Aren’t you Sandy’s friend from Rochester NY? I’m her old boyfriend!”

Sheesh! I didn’t recognize him with no hair! He turned out to be one of only two people I knew from home and it was hard to say good bye when he and Charlie shipped out a week before I did. Lesson learned: friends from home are worth their weight in gold!

I’m sure my daughter will get through basic training with her own set of “lessons learned”. I’m just hoping the lessons that squelch those “instincts” stick the best!

“I believe I can best contribute to society in another way,” said Senator Evan Bayh as he announced he will not seek re-election to the United States Senate.

He admitted, “My decision should not be interpreted for more than it is: a very difficult, deeply personal one. I am an executive at heart. I value my independence. I am not motivated by strident partisanship or ideology. These traits may be useful in many walks of life, but they are not highly valued in Congress.”

And with that announcement, Senator Bayh revealed leadership traits that apply to leaders at ALL levels.

Since there is nothing better than a real-life example to reinforce a theoretical point, I’m adding my opinion to his message. Here are leadership lessons I believe are crucial to the health and well-being of any organization, family, church, school or community:

How to Be a Good Neighbor and Show Someone You Care

I was driving through my Mom and Dad’s neighborhood this afternoon and saw this snowman standing in a neighbor’s yard. I asked two ladies on the sidewalk if they thought the homeowner would mind if I snapped a picture for my blog. They said “It’s fine – go ahead” and then added, “It doesn’t belong to anyone in particular; we pass it around the neighborhood all year!”

How neat is that? They ALL take turns hosting the snowman! What a great way to show how much they care about their neighbors. So, in honor of Valentine’s Day and my eldest son’s wedding, here are other ways people show they care. Maybe you’d like to add your own favorites in the comments below!

People show their care, concern and love by…

1. bringing the neighbor’s dog back when it gets loose and you see it roaming
2. leaving the last bite of dessert on the plate for the other person
3. crawling out of a warm bed into a cold room to be the one who shuts the window
4. getting refills of popcorn and drinks during the middle of the movie
5. being the one to give the foot-rubs more often than getting the foot-rubs
6. picking up trash from the neighbor’s garbage can when it tips over and they’re out of town
7. refilling the gas tank when it’s almost empty
8. holding dinner ’til their favorite TV program is over
9. starting the coffee so they wake up with the aroma
10. sending business or job referrals to neighbors who need them
11. counting to 10 when they forget the most important item on the shopping list
12. cleaning out the cat-box when they’re sick
13. warming their car and scraping ice and snow off the windows
14. writing an unsolicited recommendation for their LinkedIn profile
15. rubbing their forehead when they have a headache
16. not eating onions or garlic unless they do
17. paying their bill when they don’t expect it
18. putting notes in their pockets to find when they travel
19. watering plants or mowing their lawn when they’re away
20. keeping the overcooked steak for themselves and giving you the better one
21. telling them when there’s something stuck in their teeth
22. plowing their driveway or shoveling their sidewalk after the storm
23. helping a stranger who’s run out of gas and then not accepting money (I was that stranger on Wednesday night; I want to publicly thank the couple who helped me. They work for Handyman Connection in Colorado Springs near Bijou and Spruce St.)

Yes, I’ve been graced with many of these gifts by people who showed they care. And I’m sure you have too. Feel free to give kudos in the comments below and Happy Valentines Day!

Some time ago, I attended a class where the instructor asked the group to partner up and reveal one thing no one would ever guess about you. We were to discuss it with our partner, who would then use the experience as a basis to introduce us to the entire group. It’s a standard icebreaker exercise designed to loosen up the group and then segue into the speaker’s opening point. The workshop was on international and cultural diversity.

I had to think for a moment but then shared the fact that I was learning how to hunt. I had decided to stretch my boundaries at this stage of life and learn something new. Being known as the softer, sensitive type, this was definitely not something most people would expect from a barely 5’2 soft-spoken blonde.

When my partner shared my hunting ambitions with the group, the instructor froze, turned pale, and gasped. She asked the class to give her a moment while she recovered her composure, clearly shaken at this revelation.

A minute later, she apologized to the group, stating that not only was hunting something she personally did not believe in since she was an animal lover, but she was also a vegetarian. She admitted to having a very difficult time accepting that anyone could participate in such an activity. Despite her efforts to be tolerant, she was struggling to balance her commitment to diversity principles with something that clearly compromised other deeply held personal beliefs.

Now, I truly did not choose this experience for the exercise in order to cause her discomfort. It just happened to be the best example I could think of that would be least likely for someone to guess about me. However, I did grow up in a family where my grandfather, uncles, father and cousins all hunted in order to fill the freezer. It was part of my culture.

Here’s the point: Diversity training is not usually applied to tolerance of hunters. We apply it to other social issues such as gender, race, religion, etc. In some organizations there is even something called “micro-inequities” training where people are taught how not to give more attention or focus to one person versus another because it is a subtle form of discrimination.

Okay. Well…can you see the irony of applying this concept by defining what is “acceptable acceptance” and what is not? Perhaps we could take a deeper look at what diversity training, tolerance, and understanding is really all about. I don’t believe it comes in neat, pre-approved packaging that you purchase off the page of a training catalog. I believe it requires a long, hard look at a variety of ways that people express opinions, illustrate behaviors, and live out their lives in widely diverse ways – based on culture, experiences and upbringing.

How to Deal with a Difficult Ex-spouse or Partner When You Have Children

One of the toughest juggling acts to manage is when you are divorced parents and you have children with an ex-spouse who is difficult and abusive. These are NOT physically abusive situations – rather they’re just annoying and challenging. But they are driving you crazy and unfortunately the kids are in the middle. Here are some tips to help you cope with this difficult person who is going to be in your life for the long haul, or at least until your children grow up and go out on their own!

First, your ex-spouse should be civil to you. If they are abusive, you do not need to put yourself in a situation where you are subject to that abuse. In addition to what the court says, you do have the right to set some boundaries for yourself and the kids as long as they are practical and reasonable.

Remember that he/she no longer controls you. You DO have a choice as to how you interact with your children’s father or mother. For example, if your ex-spouse uses the telephone to berate you, request that they communicate with you in the future in writing. While you do have an obligation to communicate with them about the children, unless it’s an emergency, it doesn’t mean you must accept abusive phone calls. Just verbalizing these words will give you a greater sense of control over your world. You will no longer feel like you are a victim, subject to their ranting and raving.

Set some ground rules so you have some peace and joy in your life. For example, ground rules might include:

- You are welcome to call between the hours of 9am-9pm. We will not accept phone calls before or after those hours, unless it is a valid emergency (someone is dying, bleeding, missing, etc.)

- Swearing or abusive language will not be tolerated. If it occurs, I will cease communication with you in person. You can communicate with me regarding the children only, and that will be done in writing. (This will also help you should you have to go back into court for any reason in the future)

- Gifts to the children of a dangerous nature are not allowed in our home. If the ex-spouse plans to give the child a pocket knife for example and you do not agree it is appropriate, and you cannot talk the ex-spouse out of it, then you can require the gift be left at their home – not yours.

Set yourself a “horror floor”. How bad can it get? What is the worst that can happen or has happened? Then you can mentally prepare yourself for that circumstance, should it occur. Use the C.A.R.L.A. Concept™ to map out the circumstances you are facing in order to decide how to cope with it. (C – circumstance or challenge faced; A – actions you took or plan to take; R – results achieved; L – lessons learned; A – alternative/another approach for the future)

Check yourself out. Is there something you are doing that’s sparking the fire? We all learn what buttons to push, don’t we? In this case, we know all too well how to provoke this person. Make sure you are not gently nudging them to the point where you get the reaction you expect. Be honest with yourself and use the Carla Concept™ to revisit the last volatile situation and analyze how it got started, what you may have done to contribute to the situation, and how you can handle it differently in the future.

Put up a good front for the kids. You are teaching them how to behave through your words and actions. While their father/mother may not be behaving in an adult and respectful manner, they will gain strength and wisdom from you if you can maintain that adult role. You will hear it from them years later when they admit that “Dad” or “Mom” could have done things a little bit differently. Kids are perceptive and they figure our pretty quick who is the strong one and who is not. By strength, I mean mature strength, not just power.

Lose a battle to win the war. There are times when you will have to suck it up and let something occur that you know he/she is doing just to get back at you. But remember that all battles are not worth winning at the expense of losing the war. Bide your time, take the high road no matter how difficult it feels in the moment, and you will find yourself in a better position in the future. There will be a time (I guarantee it!) when your difficult spouse will need your help. Perhaps it’s when the teenaged child is visiting them, they have an argument and the child takes off. You know their favorite hangouts and you are able to coerce your son or daughter back home to safety. Certainly, never back down if the child’s safety and well being is at risk – those are always battles worth fighting for!

Regardless of the situation, your ability to be the more mature and stronger one will not only help you build a more positive, loving relationship with your children, but also turn your ex-spouse around (eventually) if you try to do the right thing. If you allow yourself to get sucked up in the game playing, then it will only serve to extend the pain and agony you are experiencing right now.

And if you still need more help, please visit my Difficult People page, where I’m adding more resources to help you cope with these folks!