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interpersonal communication

I was standing in line at the bank a few weeks ago and recognized the woman behind me. She was complaining about the length of the line, so I briefly commented, saying it was unusual and nodded in sympathy.  I waited a moment to be sure it really was the person I remembered, then stuck out my hand and re-introduced myself.

She looked down at me (I’m short) with no effort to hide her disapproval and said, “Yes, I know who you are.” Then, looking down at my outstretched hand, pointedly refused to shake it.

I was pretty surprised at her behavior. But her next words were the most telling. “I used to work at XYZ (the company I’d remembered her from), but they eliminated my job after X years. That’s what you get for stepping on the wrong toes.”

Yes folks, there were indeed a few memorable moments of “high crimes and misdemeanors” during this interaction:

First, refusing to shake someone’s hand is big on the list of really bad insults. Doing it on purpose is one thing. (Her hand was not broken) Doing it in public, is another. You have just guaranteed yourself a place on that person’s permanent “do not call” and “never forget” list!

Second, every person in line saw her behavior and heard her words. Who knows who was standing in line with us? Perhaps a recruiter, HR Manager or potential supervisor she may face in a job interview sometime soon?

Third, her teenage daughter was standing by her side. How awful for a young person to witness this kind of behavior from a parent. What kind of lesson did she learn that day and how will that shape who she becomes and how she treats others? Parents carry such weight when it comes to personal influence.

Finally, I wouldn’t provide a very good reference should anyone ask me. These days, lots of reference checks happen behind the scenes and “under the radar”.

GIVE US YOUR THOUGHTS:

So what about you? Ever experienced anything like this? What did you do or say? Has it ever come back to bite that person in the you-know-what? OR have YOU ever refused to shake a person’s hand and if so, why?

Now, let’s go practice our handshakes!

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I’m studying the impact of Aspergers Syndrome on personality styles and interpersonal communication skills at work, at home and in school.

Perhaps these resources may come in handy as you strive to understand interpersonal communication differences in co-workers, managers, students, friends or family members – it may help you help others!

What is Aspergers Syndrome? According to Tony Attwood, Author of the Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, traits include:

  • those who value being creative vs cooperative
  • a different, not defective, way of thinking
  • a desire to solve a problem vs satisfy social/emotional needs of others
  • those who struggle with the management/expression of emotions
  • direct, determined and speak their mind
  • perceive errors not apparent to others
  • and others, which you can read more about here

More experiences* of Asperger’s symptoms include:

Very bright, very sweet, vulnerable, often misunderstood and may easily be taken advantage of. They may come across like a little professor and talk in a way which leads you to believe they are years older, intellectually. They may end up being loners, struggle with relationships, work hard to impress others with their knowledge and could come across as arrogant. They may have a flat “affect” or expressionless face. Reading social cues is difficult, so they may ask more questions than what’s typical. They may also interpret you literally and say, “…but, that isn’t what I expected…”. It’s possible they’ve shown symptoms of ADD, ADHD, learning disabilities, anger management challenges, auditory processing problems, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, oppositional defiance, control issues, etc.

(* Disclaimer: the lawyers tell me to let you know right about here that I am NOT a psychologist, psychiatrist, licensed social worker, therapist or doctor! Always consult a professional.)

Megan Pratinfield has written articles about her experiences with Asperger’s symptoms. Here’s another good resource on Asperger’s with a page about famous people with “Aspy” traits.

And here’s the help4aspergers.com site, featuring information on Asperger’s at work, female traits and the book, 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger’s.

Then, from the words of a young man with Asperger’s, here’s what he says it’s like:

And a final word…

If you know someone who is struggling, whether they are a child or a full-grown adult, it’s possible there may be more going on than just a difficult personality style. I’ve had people tell me their behavioral challenges stemmed from their environment, their boss, spouse, parents, the food they ate, the drugs they took and the people they hung out with.

And that may all be true.

But please do not let another day go by without learning more about Asperger’s. It could change your life or the life of a loved one!

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How to Say I Quit

04/11/2010

Ever dream about saying “I quit”?

Some of us fantasize about this, don’t we? Monday morning comes and we lay there looking up at the ceiling thinking, “What if I went in there today and told them to take this job and do you-know-what? I wonder what words I’d use?”

(This is where ALL the lawyers tell me to insert The BIG Disclaimer: “By virtue of writing this post, please be aware I’m not advocating, advising, suggesting or implying in even the most subtle or innocuous of ways you should quit your job!”)

But just in case you want to take a mental road trip to celebrate the new work week, here are 30 key phrases people could use to say “I quit”!

  1. “It’s really important I spend more time with my family.” (Fired C-suite execs and out-of-favor politicians use this one)
  2. “I’d like to pursue other opportunities.” (like fishing and golf)
  3. “At this stage of my life, it’s time to smell the roses.” (or pansies, daffodils – maybe even the goldenrod too)
  4. “You know that TV show, the Biggest Loser? Well, that’s how I feel around here, so it’s time to go!”
  5. “I know you’re cutting costs, so allow me to take one for the team.”
  6. “You know that next layoff you’re planning? Pulllease, take me, take meeeee!”
  7. “9 out of 10 managers agree, I’m destined for bigger and better things.”
  8. “No, really, it’s not YOU – it’s just me.”
  9. “I did win the lottery – I did!”
  10. “The Dali Lama says I’m needed on the mountaintop.”
  11. “It’s haying season back on the farm.”
  12. “You pay me far, far too much money for the work I do here. After I leave, you can spread the wealth around.”
  13. “We’re trying to have a child, so I’m needed at home more often.”
  14. “You know the other day when you asked me about my career goals…?”
  15. “How would you like to save some budget money this year?”
  16. “Where would you like me to put my computer?”
  17. “How long does it take to do an exit interview?”
  18. “I’m gifting you my chair.”
  19. “I’m trading in my cubicle for an ocean view.”
  20. “I have this cat and she needs a companion.”
  21. “Paul Harvey made a fortune by closing his show with, ‘…and that’s the rest of the story’. I’m thinking it’s high time for my story to start!”
  22. “I have this overwhelming urge for a Facebook page.”
  23. “My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all,’ so let me be brief.”
  24. “According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 15 million people are unemployed right now. Do you think one of them might qualify for my job?”
  25. “You’re out of coffee.”
  26. “You know that new guy down the hall? The guy with the pocket protector? He said he’s smarter than me, so now he gets a chance to prove it.”
  27. “You cut the candy from the training budget.”
  28. “The latest Rasmussen Report says 72% of Americans prefer ‘Merry Christmas’ to ‘Happy Holidays’, so an early ‘Merry Christmas’ to all, and to all a good night!”
  29. “Those stock options are taking waaay too long to mature.”
  30. “The voices in my head say it’s not safe for me to stay here anymore.”

I’m sure you can come up with a few good phrases of your own! Please feel free to share them with us in the comments below!

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(An earlier, popular article republished for your enjoyment!)

One of my favorite quotes is, “Be who you are and say what you think because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” (Dr. Seuss)

But we don’t always know the best ways to communicate how we feel, do we? We DO know that folks we wish to influence WILL mind and it WILL matter what we say.

As an example, Tracey Ryan, Manager of Office Services for ESRI, the GIS Software Leader, is a subscriber who wrote me to ask, “…what words should I use to introduce a new change for my department?” Her department is consolidating with another and she wanted phrases, keywords or language to promote the benefits of this change to her team as they make the announcement.

She’s not trying to “snow” them, manipulate anyone or put a happy face on a challenging transition. She wants language to promote the positives because she knows that ANY change can be challenging for some folks.

If you’ve attended my behavioral styles or DiSC(R) social styles class, you know some of us are just hard-wired for non-stop excitement. The more change, the better! But others prefer a more predictable environment. Change is unsettling and unnerving for some. They need encouragement to know they’re in good hands and that everything will be okay. And who better to offer those words of encouragement than those in a frontline leadership position?

So here are the words and phrases I sent her, in addition to others that came to mind as I wrote this post. (Care to add any of your own?)

Benefits include:

1. We will have a bigger pool of creative ideas, strengths and talents from which to draw on

2. It will broaden opportunities to learn new techniques and applications

3. We will be exposed to new challenges, which will test our creativity and problem-solving abilities

4. There will be new ways we can influence the organization as a whole

5. We’ll get new opportunities to learn from one another

6. We’ll all benefit from forging new relationships, since we all know that “affiliation” builds trust

7. We’ll have more of a hand in streamlining processes and developing new procedures to get better results

8. You’ll become much more marketable in your career because of this experience

9. You’ll become much more valuable to the organization as a result of this experience

10. The organization will become more aware of what we’re capable of

11. You’ll become more aware of what you’re capable of

12. It’s clear to me we’ll be consolidating the best of “both worlds”

13. No one knows better than you, what kind of difference we can make

14. There will be numerous new ways we can make a bigger difference to one another

15. You’ll get greater opportunities to expand your knowledge base

16. You’ll have more career growth paths from which to follow in the future

17. No one will ever be able to say we’re a “one trick pony”

18. We’ll be better positioned to attract top talent from outside/within the organization/industry

19. This change will reinvigorate our organization

20. It will rekindle the spirit that made us so effective in the first place

21. We’ll experience a balanced approach to leverage our talents/strengths/processes/procedures

22. It will allow us to become more innovative

23. This new direction will rejuvenate our energy and creativity

24. It will give us the opportunity to reinvent the impact we have on others (customers, partners, sponsors, donors, competitors)

25. We have the right to be able to show our stuff in much more visible, influential way than ever before!

26. Imagine the impact you’re going to have!

27. We’ll do our best to make this as much of a hassle-free experience as possible

28. As a team, we’ll become more effective/knowledgeable/influential/good-looking as a result of this process (did ya catch that?)

29. I/your leadership team will be much, much easier to live with! (Live a little. Throw in a few humorous lines to surprise ‘em and make ‘em laugh!)

CLOSING NOTE: In a former life as a Sales Team Manager and Employee Benefits person, it was my responsibility to promote the benefits of programs, services and products. As any good relationship sales person knows, it’s also wise to anticipate objections. So, before you roll out all those positive words, do an informal poll to find out what fears, frustrations or concerns people might have about this change. That will give you the opportunity in advance to address the issues in a constructive way.

And if you’re looking for a tool of influence, allow me to offer my CARLA Concept(TM) Communication Model as an approach to overcome objections:

C – state the challenge, change or circumstances you face

A – outline the actions you can take in the future or that you’ve taken in the past

R – project the results you hope to achieve or that you’ve achieved in the past

L – discuss the “lessons learned” along the way

A – brainstorm alternatives/options/possibilities for the future, now that you know what you know

Oh, and how did it turn out for Tracey? Here’s what she said:

“Laura, this was incredibly helpful, and SO timely. Our new director scheduled a “meet and greet” briefing this morning, so your response was just in time. I don’t mind if you mention my name and company, by the way. It is a fascinating place to work—Jack Dangermond is such a visionary individual and he and his wife Laura started the company right out of college with only $1500 research money. Thank you again, Tracey”

Tracey, you’re most welcome!

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In Why Teams Fail Part One, we discussed the first five reasons.

Now we’ll proceed to the next five! Teams struggle because they fail to…

6. Stop disrespectful behaviors as soon as they appear. Do not allow someone on the team to disrespect others OR to disrespect those who are not present! It weakens everyone’s credibility, causes hard feelings, and impacts performance and productivity. If you don’t call them on their behavior early on, you also allow a pattern to develop which may undermine effectiveness and get in the way of achieving your goals.

And you can do this in a gentle, humorous, yet pointed way. I once heard someone use this line, “Gosh Bill, she only has the nicest things to say about you!”

7. Form friendships. When Gallup Organization identified the 12 needs of top performers in their book, “First, Break All the Rules”, they found having a “best friend at work” was a factor that fueled high performing teams. While it doesn’t mean each team must be made up of one’s “best friends” in a literal sense, it does mean that teams made up of friends can spin circles around others. Think of it – most people hesitate to let a friend down. It can backfire if the friendships are dysfunctional, but the concept is what makes social media sites so successful. People work better with people they like. It’s simple human dynamics.

8. “Fire” the folks who refuse to “play”. We all know the people who sit back, arms crossed, and let everyone else do the work. They are there in body only, they don’t contribute, and they make it clear through their non-verbals that they can’t wait to get out of there and back to their “real” work. While this is not easy to do, it’s imperative that everyone support the goal. If the goal is clearly defined, then it’s up to each individual to decide whether or not they can support it. If not – then they should self select and get out of the way so the team can move forward. Now, this doesn’t mean we should interpret vigorous debate on issues where there is not consensus – I’m talking here about people who sit on boards or serve on teams just to get their names on a report or in the newspaper.

9. Give each other permission to start over. It’s okay to admit that something didn’t work as expected, but it’s not okay to hold it against the person who came up with the idea in the first place. Make it clear that mistakes are expected and are just another way to eliminate what won’t work in order to get to the successes. Cut each other some slack. Avoid being so judgmental that you risk embarrassment later on down the line when people discover that you too are human!

10. Appreciate how powerful they are! Highly functioning teams and boards are a powerful force when they learn how to leverage the knowledge, skills, relationships, and energy possessed by people with a single purpose. The momentum they bring to any problem, decision, or direction can be unstoppable and highly influential. The force of a tornado takes time to grow, but once it’s spinning, it is a formidable thing indeed!

In Part Three of this series, I’ll offer even more tips on how to strengthen a team, board, council or club, so please don’t miss it!

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